Sympathy for the Devil

It was an unexpected call, one that rocked my otherwise normal quiet, all to myself, evening. “Hey, did you hear, HE has cancer. Guess he isn’t doing too well, either”, a bit of a chuckle and then “Guess Karma really does work, doesn’t it?”

MAY 15, 2019

To be honest, up until that moment, I hadn’t really given my molester much thought in a few years. I had freed myself from his power of secrecy and shame in a (terrifying) conversation with my parents 3 years earlier, and with the same beautiful soul now who was calling to bring these tidings. The catharsis from that day had led to major positive shifts and incredible healing that is still ongoing within myself and our family.

At first, there was only a morbid curiosity. “Cancer, huh? What type?” In all honesty, considering what I had heard about his lifestyle, I was honestly surprised it wasn’t a heart attack precursor or cirrhosis of the liver.

What I couldn’t seem to muster up was a single bit of sympathy. It was almost as if I was reading about some interesting tidbit in the news… scan it quick, then flip the page.

My brain couldn’t comprehend my utter lack of sympathy. This is totally unlike me, I am not THIS person, unfeeling and uncaring. Come on, I say a prayer when I pass road kill and have had to stop watching the news because it triggers my PTSD. What the heck?!

In overload, and alone, I did what my lil PTSD brain does… as soon as I stopped my wandering through the house and sat still for a moment, I was completely asleep, on a reset, surrounded by the two dogs on guard.

Once I had regained my composure and had some time to settle, I began to think about how far I had come in my healing process that I had not clapped in glee at his misfortune, because unfortunately there was a time that would have been me. I can forgive myself for that, knowing the pain I held at the time.

I am incredibly lucky to have a very wise friend who shares many of the same views as my therapist. Getting independent corroboration twice over makes you feel really good when they both say that the lack of any deep feelings is because he no longer plays an “active” role in my life, the progress I have made with his particular trauma has removed him from my everyday existence, and there is no shame in healing; no honor in dredging up old pain just to satisfy some sense of guilt over lack of sympathy.

My stolen innocence did not cause his current circumstance, therefore I am freed from sympathizing.

Originally posted as

https://inspirationinthefield.wordpress.com/2019/05/15/sympathy-for-the-devil/